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Confessions: Failure after Success

June 14, 2011

I hit a pretty good milestone in my getting healthy efforts, and though I’m happy I’m not ready to shout it to the world. Why? Mainly because now that I’ve started losing weight, I’ve realized the losing part is actually the easy part.

Did I say that? Yep, I did.

Being someone who’s very goal-oriented, this period of pushing yourself, working towards a goal, making some sacrifices, etc. is not only attractive to me, but I like the finite feel of goals. Approach problem, set path to solve problem, reach goal. Done.

Done? Not done!

It’s the after that I’m afraid of more than I was when I was inactive and, well, fat. I think that when most people start the quest to get healthier, they’re worried about failing and not being able to really accomplish their goal. At least I was.

But now, after hitting a few milestones I set up for myself, I find myself more afraid of failure now. Failure after success? When I step back and realize how this project (that never finishes) is similar to many other projects I’ve taken on. At some point, the idea turns from something abstract into something real. It’s really going to happen, or you’re going to fail trying to make it happen.

Real when you look in the mirror. Real when you need a belt to wear those “fat” jeans. Real when you look at your food journal tracking all your choices in these months. Real sweat rolling down your face in the gym, and the smile that still crops up after you groan.

I hit a milestone that I’ve refrained from sharing with friends because I’m afraid of what the implications are – what if I can’t keep it up?

I know these are silly thoughts. Every day, every week has its own victories and failures.

And so while I hit a milestone, and I want to celebrate, I’m aware of the maintenance period that lies ahead of me, well, my entire life. So for today I won’t celebrate the loss. Maybe soon, or a week or a month after I reached that date so it feels more real.

And in the meantime I’ll set another set of goals ahead of me, beyond losing. About keeping it off. And hoping I celebrate those milestones with as much, if not more, enthusiasm as the loss.

Taking inspiration from the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans – they do True Confessions Tuesdays.

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